my third try

Mostly I feared people..

I walked out of the room, I was laughing but I had a weird mixture of sadness and laughter deep inside which was visibly reflecting on my face..My face reveals it all, you can always feel and see whether I am happy with life or I am sad enough. My mom was waiting outside the door crossed fingers and full of hope, she believed in me more than myself throughout my life, she made me and my brother feel like everything in our impossible life is possible, she weirdly has this optimistic approach towards everything that we tell her.  "mom I want to fly to the Moon and just be an astronaut, mom I wanna be a singer, also an actress, also a goodwill ambassador, also an FBI police officer, also a writer, also a kind person ......one day, can I do it? I always heard the answer "Of course! why not?" I feel like my reason of asking her a lot about my dreams is that I know that if she believes in them first, I will follow her, she has divine power on me, that no one can ever have. While waiting outside the door she had been praying a lot, I am sure, she was so optimistic.. "Mom, in my opinion I wouldn't be selected, the interview went horrible, I couldn't even say what was in my mind.."

I feared talking to people, up until today I believe that my biggest fear is humans and humanity, all is done so far, it is done by us,not by any other creatures. Before coming to an interview I was quite sure that my second personality was not gonna allow me to do what I was so passionate about, I wasn't quite friends with my second personality back in those days yet. All the questions that I was asked had totally different answers in my head rather than the answers I spoke out loud. I felt like the interview was between me and myself, I was shaking, my heart was pounding and while the coordinators seeing that calm girl seating in front of them, it was instead a girl in a war with her emotions, who was struggling with herself not to tremble, not to fear of them not to fear to speak out. What a moment!...The moment I sat on that chair I was almost sure that I'd lost it, I wasn't gonna tackle on that journey, not ready yet..My intuition never failed me in my entire life. The mornings I wake up I almost surely know whether I am gonna be a good person that day or I am gonna be positive and laughing all day long or I am gonna have an argument with somebody or I am gonna be emotional, sad, dramatic..I am lucky to know myself very well, that is the privilege that allows me to be myself..I don't wanna pretend to exist...I just wanna exist with the uniqueness of my brain, heart, body...the way we all are and the way we all should be proud of.

Not gonna lie, it was definitely sad that I had one of my first and biggest real life failures that I had worked too hard for and dreamed of too bad..too bad. However, I think that the feeling of predicting the results made me be less disappointed in myself in that moment, instead I became more confident in already knowing the breaking news of my failure when I got a phone call.

I had to fix myself after that try. In my head the sadness of failure was replaced by the idea of overcoming the fear of communication, fear of those scary heartbeats... the sadness was not about not being able to pass the interview, the sadness was the question in my head " Why was I so afraid? They were as normal as I was, what is it that I cannot overcome? Why was I shaking?"..I had to do something..Not very long after I signed up for a conversation club with the idea of facing everybody and learning to become fearless with people..That place, those people altered my life..Even the teachers at school were realizing the change that I was going through...I was happy to see that my effort to change was becoming real in reality...The weakness of fear and the weakness of tears that I possessed gave never-ending permission to people to play on them, I guess a lot of people know what I am saying.. 

That  dream of mine came true the following year. :)

I do have the same heartbeats till these days, but they are not shown much whatsoever. Every time there is an important event taking place in my life I do have scary heartbeats.Back then I thought I overcame all that, but later on I understood that what I overcame wasn't about ending those heartbeats, fears, shaking...it was all about learning how to live with them...when they come to me I welcome them and let them guide me not destroy me.:)

my second try

I am listening to music right now...and it's been a while that The Weeknd's got the lead role in it...

Music...it is the second invincible pleasure of mine that I cannot imagine my life without. If music was a soul, one soul, I would pray to it, it would be my only religion, I would pray to it more than 5 times, ready to dedicate myself to it completely..I would thank it every second for always making me feel its presence and for speaking to me when there is nobody present..What I admire about music is that it exactly knows what we want to feel at the moment, it knows why we need it, why we ask it for help and knows very precisely which notes are needed to be played...it feels like it whispers to me:"I gotcha!"

I always left everyone behind, I was always escaping... that was my solution for every problem with the people around me..There was always a feeling that I wouldn't be able to exactly explain myself  thus "escape Meg"..I loved escaping, it seemed mysterious to me, escaping to hidden spots that I discovered for myself. Till these days whenever I want to be alone I want to disappear I want to be invisible, I don't want to hear any words I want to listen to silence or music...suddenly the world seems so small, only at that moment I realize how crowded the world is and that I am in the spotlight, it feels like the whole world just collapsed the whole world got sad...abruptly the whole world becomes your heart, the reason why we want to scream is that we see the power and the right to let the whole world know about our pain and hearts..we see it as the world's obligation towards us..we want to see that the world cares.. c'mon world see me, feel me, how come you are so silent to me, my heart just broke, you didn't hear it crack?...

There is something mystical in escaping, it is disappearing, it holds invisibility, it holds worries, it holds questions..most importantly it holds time. When you disappear from somebody's life, time does something magical, time strangely has the power to  make everything possible...after escaping and coming back home everything seemed calmer, everything seemed easier, life was moving on behind me, even if it had stopped for me while I was invisibly hiding and thinking and thinking and again thinking..I guess that is one of the explanations of "life"... when we stop living everything else that we think also stopped living in reality continues in its routine and everything finds its own way at the end...misunderstandings stay misunderstood...those cracked parts of the heart are getting healed not by time but it is getting healed by carelessness.. and at that point it all becomes easy to let go.

I have lost the fear of letting go or losing somebody maybe because it happened plenty of times...or maybe it has become my not so favorite childhood tradition..it happened at early ages when I discovered that I simply couldn't hold everybody in my life, some people's roles are to just disappear..
If you ask me how it feels like to not be afraid of a loss, I would say it feels dangerous, it feels empty, it feels selfish but it also feels like I am breathing and it feels like living is still possible...As if life is living and me inside of it.

my first try

Writing has always been one of a kind passion...I am not claiming that  I am good enough at it to start a blog or write a book, but I wanna give it a shot :)

Today I overthought that I had been overthinking...Today I remembered that when I was a kid then a teenager I loved crying so much, everyday, at least once a day, it was like my favorite hobby. I don't still know whether it was relieving any kind of burden that I was keeping inside or there was no burden but crying was just helping me to "sweat out" and then be calm and fall asleep... if you know what I mean, no? okay:)

Today I cried too... I remembered things, I remembered people, I remembered missing, I remembered disappointments, I remembered how free I am lucky to be...Freedom is a pleasure, an invincible pleasure of my soul...it allows me to even be free from people, free from certain feelings, free from talks, free from sadness, free from happiness.It is insane how I can refer to freedom in all its shapes, it always gives me satisfaction no matter what feeling I try to pair it with...

Every summer I was going home at midnight...not like partying or being in the city center, but I was under my building, 5 mins away from my home, 5 mins away from my mom, 5 mins away from grandparents..I grew up in the streets, I loved streets, I loved trees, I loved football, I loved playing all day long, I loved doing pull-ups as not a lot of boys in my street could, I loved calling out my mom's name and asking if the food was ready yet or if she could throw some coins out of the window to buy my favorite crackers..I hated leaving my friends in the street and going over to my uncle's or even going to the beach or to somewhere definitely nicer than that street. I was looking behind when I was getting on the bus or a car leaving my friends behind, I thought I would miss out on so much while I was gonna be gone...

I had the privilege of having a parent who allowed me to form myself in my way, with mistakes, with imperfections, she let me think, she let me judge something or somebody not her way but my way, the way I could comprehend..she let me feel free the way that I cannot live without it any more. I crave freedom, I crave to be free every day. And that's exactly what I felt growing up in the streets, even if I was 5 mins away from home, I felt like I had my own life. This was the privilege that not everybody around me could get, especially girls...I was fearless of darkness of the nights, I was fearless of people in the street as I almost knew all of them, I loved saying hi to people and know everybody...I was curious to know everyone as the street was my small world...I loved climbing up the trees and feeling strong, I was constantly in search of proving myself that I could do better and better, I could take on different challenges and do it better every time...

When I think about the combination of that crying emotional girl and that free strong girl well I cannot think...I cannot believe that I was always that, but I never realized that I could be all that then..I thought I had to choose either of them..I never realized it until now...I didn't know that I could be both at the same time, I was switching my two totally different personalities, don't get me wrong it is not exactly to be two-faced person:) it was my inner struggle that I had to face with, I was in a war zone and I was becoming the personality that I needed at that moment...it was tiring...

After so many years, it is such happiness to know and feel that I can be both at the same time...No need for switching the roles...Becoming EMOTIONALLY STRONG has been a never ending journey, and I am enjoying the FREEDOM that comes with emotions... and put those tears of happiness, those tears of sadness into words...and that becomes a life story.