my first try

Writing has always been one of a kind passion...I am not claiming that  I am good enough at it to start a blog or write a book, but I wanna give it a shot :)

Today I overthought that I had been overthinking...Today I remembered that when I was a kid then a teenager I loved crying so much, everyday, at least once a day, it was like my favorite hobby. I don't still know whether it was relieving any kind of burden that I was keeping inside or there was no burden but crying was just helping me to "sweat out" and then be calm and fall asleep... if you know what I mean, no? okay:)

Today I cried too... I remembered things, I remembered people, I remembered missing, I remembered disappointments, I remembered how free I am lucky to be...Freedom is a pleasure, an invincible pleasure of my soul...it allows me to even be free from people, free from certain feelings, free from talks, free from sadness, free from happiness.It is insane how I can refer to freedom in all its shapes, it always gives me satisfaction no matter what feeling I try to pair it with...

Every summer I was going home at midnight...not like partying or being in the city center, but I was under my building, 5 mins away from my home, 5 mins away from my mom, 5 mins away from grandparents..I grew up in the streets, I loved streets, I loved trees, I loved football, I loved playing all day long, I loved doing pull-ups as not a lot of boys in my street could, I loved calling out my mom's name and asking if the food was ready yet or if she could throw some coins out of the window to buy my favorite crackers..I hated leaving my friends in the street and going over to my uncle's or even going to the beach or to somewhere definitely nicer than that street. I was looking behind when I was getting on the bus or a car leaving my friends behind, I thought I would miss out on so much while I was gonna be gone...

I had the privilege of having a parent who allowed me to form myself in my way, with mistakes, with imperfections, she let me think, she let me judge something or somebody not her way but my way, the way I could comprehend..she let me feel free the way that I cannot live without it any more. I crave freedom, I crave to be free every day. And that's exactly what I felt growing up in the streets, even if I was 5 mins away from home, I felt like I had my own life. This was the privilege that not everybody around me could get, especially girls...I was fearless of darkness of the nights, I was fearless of people in the street as I almost knew all of them, I loved saying hi to people and know everybody...I was curious to know everyone as the street was my small world...I loved climbing up the trees and feeling strong, I was constantly in search of proving myself that I could do better and better, I could take on different challenges and do it better every time...

When I think about the combination of that crying emotional girl and that free strong girl well I cannot think...I cannot believe that I was always that, but I never realized that I could be all that then..I thought I had to choose either of them..I never realized it until now...I didn't know that I could be both at the same time, I was switching my two totally different personalities, don't get me wrong it is not exactly to be two-faced person:) it was my inner struggle that I had to face with, I was in a war zone and I was becoming the personality that I needed at that moment...it was tiring...

After so many years, it is such happiness to know and feel that I can be both at the same time...No need for switching the roles...Becoming EMOTIONALLY STRONG has been a never ending journey, and I am enjoying the FREEDOM that comes with emotions... and put those tears of happiness, those tears of sadness into words...and that becomes a life story.